Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize