apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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