I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
