I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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