So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
