just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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