New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
