watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
