I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
