No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
