hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
