You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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