so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
