Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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