i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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