Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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