Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
