On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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