remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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