sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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