It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
