Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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