No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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