too bad you live with your parents still
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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