Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
