Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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