Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
