I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
