sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
