he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
