my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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