i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
