First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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