Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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