I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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