sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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