You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
