Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
