There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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