I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
