OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
