I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize