Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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