ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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