I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
