Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
