I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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