It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
