So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
