I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
