highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you had me at cake vodka
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
