Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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