I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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