There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
