it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
