the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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