Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
