Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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