"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
