He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
