I think my fart just growled at me.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
