Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
