you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
