I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
